Who Am I ?

Who Am I?             Dec 8th, 2012

Good morning! It is a beautiful Saturday morning.  I hope you are enjoying a bit of sun light through these colder rainy days of this wintery season.

My mind is musing on the day planned with organizing tasks so I can more easily be away from my rented home for an undetermined amount of time during the reconstruction of my bathroom this month.   Yikes that is a tall order.

I would rather be painting some uplifting scene for someone; losing myself in creating something great for another – which is so much better than worrying about my future.  Painting for others would surely bring me joy as well and would keep me more sane and grounded in my purpose during the upheaval of this reconstruction time.  Will I design, paint or work for you any time soon?  I hope so.  Let me know.

The work here will displace me from my most favorite place: Home sweet home.  This displacing issue and all the complications, have kept me from staying on top of potential plans mural or massage work in the near future.  So I am writing to you now to check in about possible work projects with you.

Would you enjoy having me artistically enlightening your environment?  Or to come to your house to for massage treatments?  

Is your initial idea of upgrading that room in your house something you might consider having me do for you anytime soon?  It would be great if I knew that now.  Looking forward to up-coming work would help carry me through this time.

Challenges with my property owners about reconstruction work here, have left me a bit too preoccupied with my own life lately.  The timing and what they have assumed I could "live with" this past month has complicated my existence in my cozy abode.   These upsets have thrown me in deep contemplation about what is next in my life and how to proceed and how to keep overwhelming fear and sadness from consuming me while I determine if staying is an option, or if I need to move, and to where (with few resources).  (Hence, my sudden devotion to meditation and prayerful wishes that a force much greater than I to carry me through this.)  Will you be a part of that benevolent force?

In entering into facilitated mediation with my landlady and her husband a few weeks ago, (which I requested in order to restore the harmony between us, and so I had support and did not cry too much during the discussion) Initiated a meeting to negotiate the terms of the work and timing of work here – in order to be informed, make agreements with them, and make plans for myself accordingly.  Yet in the process, previously undisclosed information about a sudden huge rent increase and their possibly not allowing me to continue to share this place with a housemate arose which may force me to suddenly move.  Yep, a shock hit.  My attempting to remain standing strong and informed of reasonable options (to empower me), became a much bigger challenge, one that includes the need to cleanse far greater fears from clouding my view – a process that is definitely not over yet.

What occurs to me now, when I think about succumbing to possibly moving soon, is missing work and all the projects I could be doing while I have easy access to my artistic supplies, and the difficulty I will have relocating my supplies to a place I can afford to safely store them and also have access to them.  If I lose easy access to what I own to create, it can appear from here, who I am and what I do is collapsing into a 'never-never land' pit.  Will you help prevent me from slipping into that pit? Please?

Please forgive me for the terrible timing of my inquiry, I know it is the holidays and you and your family are busy.   Pardon as well, the depth with which I share what is happening to me, but I am attempting to prevent a silent slip into an undesired reality; scrambled homelessness.  I am hoping people will help by suggesting things I might not know of or see from here, to prevent a huge loss of balance.

Sigh. One consideration of a path forward is for me to stop fighting what is happening to me, and let go of everything I am, (or my ego is) trying so hard to retain without the means to do so well.  I am holding on to stuff; thousands of dollars worth of stored finished artwork I have yet to sell; tools, and business supplies for a three businesses, (Murals, Massage, Writing); and all the comfort items in my life that make life good: a safe cozy home and dry garage.  I have an office where I create on a spacious desk where I document work, write and dream, that doubles as a massage office and an open space with a carpet where I can stretch do yoga and relax to maintain my health.

I created the most suitable beautiful home I could imagine for myself with the hopes that a healthy environment would lead to a balanced healthy life, which would naturally lead to more and more open doors and jobs to support me.   Sadly in this economy, paying jobs only happens some of the time.  Apparently as coordinated and innovative as I have been, I am seemingly not coordinated enough to orchestrate all the tasks supporting myself and generating more business requires of me, and I have not found the perfect supportive others to fill in what I do not do well.  Might you be one?

I work hard and love to be of service to others when ever possible, because there is nothing more important nor valuable than being of service to others in the world.  Yet, somehow offering my careful skills and talents and healing hands has not been enough to place me and my talents in the world to make a consistently living – not making ends meet causes a lot of stress – which degrades my health and thus hinders me ability to offer my services.  I would love your help in manifesting a different cycle, one that supports me and my health and allows me to thrive.

I would love to help you reinvent a sanctuary in a room at your house; to turn it into something you love.  And I would love to do that before homelessness scrambles me. Please help me keep my wits about me and retain my supplies close at hand so I can create for you and others.

If you might be interested in a project with me, as the one who helps create for you, please let me know what you need from me to make that happen soon.  

If you are skillful in fundraising to buoy a talented artist, Please contact me!  I could really use your imaginative help.

May spirit bless you for your kind attention.  I hope all is well with you.  

Thank you for your time and consideration.  Please let me know how I can make your life better or if there is anything else I do to offer support to your well being.  We are all in this life together, and I love making other’s lives more enjoyable with what I have to offer.

Be well,

Erin Tajime Castelan